Update.

Life is spinning and spinning. Sage Has been talking now for 6months. He started school in January and has just blossomed into an even more confusing yet brilliant and sweet child. Kiri is walking trying to talk and is a sweet child too. Both kids are learning new things faster than i am ready for. Right now its potty training we are trying to learn.  I am doing great just spinning and spinning hoping i dont fall. Once i think i have found an out i get lost all over again..

Busy life

So its been awhile since i have wrote. But Kiri is almost 1yr. She has 3teeth and is couch surfing. She had "problems" gaining weight. but is all good now. Sage was diagnosed with Autism and Autism spectrum disorder, Back in February. Its been trying but we are doing therapies to help him and i know he will get better with how he acts as he gets better.

Ugh

Well ive had my baby, its a lil girl named Kiri kay nikhole. she is now two months old. Sage is 2 years old. its crazy how life sneaks up on us. but it does. i wish time would move slower.

Been awhile.

Well im pregnant again this time with a girl. Im not too hapy about it. I wanted another lil boy as i love them. I also found out a cousin is pregnant with twin boys due right behind me (im due beginning of december and she beginning of january). While im happy for her i feel pushed under the bus now. i know this is her first/second but this is my first girl what about me and her?? i want the attention that i was getting. I hope we dont deliver at the same time. I hate that she waited til she was 5 months to announce because it feels like she kicked my feet out from under me and its not fair.. I know not everything is fair. But my step sister said from day one if its a girl she would throw me a shower then tells me two weeks ago that she couldnt afford it. But the tell the cousin she is going to throw her one. That is messed up to me. but not much i can do. I feel petty and ridiculous for how i feel but i cant help it. probably hormones and just being me. i dont know but im upset and want to cry because i feel like she wont be loved since the other babies will be coming around when she does. ugh i dont know what to do or the "correct" way to feel.

Update

Sage is 6months old. i got married in may.  i want to go back to school. i think thats bout it

Wonder

I wonder where I would be today had I chose you. Would I be married or single? Would I have my wonderful son or would I not? Would we still be together? I still love you even though I'm with someone else. I love my family but can't help but wonder. I wonder would I be in college? I wonder if you even think about me or wonder what we could have been. I wonder where we drifted apart when we were so close. I miss the hour long phone calls and wonder if you do too. Sometimes I just want to run or walk like we use to. I want your comforting hug when I cry. I just can't help but wonder....

The lost

The other day i got lost in old memories of high school. Which brought me to thinking of one of my Ex-Boyfriends, and how i still care about him and love him, but i know im not in love with him,. He was always there for me. But i now have my darling husband and im in love with my husband.I love my son and cats. i love my life!!!! But i cant help and think about the lost loves i had and how i still love them, or the lost friends that i no longer talk to but yurn to talk to.

Then my brother returns from Sea sometime soon to a wife that doesnt deserve someone as great as my brother. She is a gold digger and we all know it. I wish my brother realizzed all this..

I wish i could be found in this lost field of roses, every time i get close to being found i get hurt or distracted and turn the wrong way.